Sometimes I venture out to look at the sad politically correct world the non-smoking elves live in. And what do I find? Would you believe that around two thousand elves celebrated Guy Fawkes Night (5 November) early this year with a virtual bonfire. For £2 a ticket, they watched footage of the flames projected on to a giant screen at the Ilfracombe Rugby Club in Devon, while a smoke machine and the sound of crackling wood added to the party atmosphere. The event was initiated by the club to get round stringent local Health and Safety rules governing the lighting of fires at public events.

How about a virtual smoke-in, direct from the Smoking Troll’s Cave? No, it’s too bloody sad. Get out there and light up a clutch of cigars while you can. Who the hell needs a video link when you can enjoy the real thing. You’ll be watching films of Gandalf fighting balrogs next…