school daze

By smokeymo

It was heartening to hear that pupils as young as 14 at the Tinshill Learning Centre in Leeds are now allowed to light up a cigarette in the school’s smoking room, as long as they have a note from their parents.

Reminds me of the days when I was a young troll and how I used to hop over the barbed wire fence down to Winnie the Witch’s ‘Ye Olde Cauldron’ newsagent for a packet of cigarette papers and some Wild Woodbines. Then I’d return to the school for the usual lunchtime gathering of nicotine-friendly trolls, all bristling with menace at the bottom of the playground and enjoying a smoke – alongside our moody science teacher, Dr Jekyll. Happy days.

Don’t know what all the namby-pamby elvish media is fussing about – there’s crack, heroin and marijuana available outside most school gates, next to the ice cream van and the line of parents flinging packets of crisps, Big Macs and Mars bars over the wall to their offspring.

Maybe it’s time I offered my services to Britain’s primary schools as a teacher of cigar studies and how to drink booze properly; well, they’ve got to learn sometime. Mind you, I never had a note from my parents – waving a large blood-stained axe seemed to get the teacher off my case, every time.

The Troll’s favourite poet, William McGonagall

By smokeymo

My ancestor, William McGonagall, was not only the world’s greatest poet (!), he also wrote a long lost play, Jack o’ the Cudgel, which has now been found. We’re all rejoicing here, in Troll land, with buckets of stewed slugs and consomme of anti-smokers brains. Here’s a sample of the pleasure you will soon be enjoying, once ole Great Uncle Bill’s play gets staged:

Ye sons of Great Britain,
It’s a bleedin’ great shame
To pack in the smoking
Even in yer own hame
So rise up and light one
Enjoy a cigar
And tell those anti’s to stick it
Where the vaseline will never jar….

don’t toss your life away

By smokeymo

The Orcs of Britain have just announced they are creating sperm and egg banks to save rare breeds of British animals from extinction. Gossip on the underground from fellow trolls suggests the list of 100 of Britain’s 130 native breeds of farm animals that would otherwise rapidly become extinct is about to be extended by one special animal: the human smoker. Time for Britain’s cigar aficionados to stand up and shoot off, as they say. Tossers you may be, but at least you’re not politically correct wankers like those anti-smoking elves.